Tuesday, July 20, 2010

I Will be Better!

I was on Facebook yesterday morning when the Nester mentioned about her kids and her sisters kids were going to “grandy camp”.  She explained that this was one week a summer when her parents took all the kids and did fun things with them.  There were comments on there wishing that the Nester could be at their place during that week, decorating and rearranging…then there was a comment that made me think…thank God, I’m not alone.  It was telling the Nester her kids were lucky and she wished her kids grandparents even wanted to do anything with her kids.  I wrote “I second that”.  And then felt bad for not only my kids but that ladies kids as well. 

As I look back when my mother was alive Kayla spent about 2 weeks a Summer at their house in Bama.  We would either leave her there after a visit or they’d come get her.  It was so much fun.  Zack and I got a break and they had time to bond and have some fun.  It was good for us and it was good for them.  After Kelsie was born things went down hill from there.  Mother got sick, but Kayla still would visit.  We always thought that mother would get better and we imagined Kelsie and Kayla both going to visit for at least a week every Summer.  That Summer never came because mother passed away and then daddy remarried.  We all know that even if the situation were different that they would have never invited the girls there to stay for a week. 

This would have been our only hope.  Because as we all know I’ve already talked about my mother n law and my kids relationship.  And how it’s almost non existent.  Maybe this is because she’s not married and so she wants to go out.  But then I have to think that during the Summer and the kids are out of school this would be perfect timing to get them for a weekend.  {I’m not even asking a week!}  There have been mentions by Kayla all Summer wanting to spend the night at her house {just as the past couple of Summers}…it’s always not this week, maybe next.  Like I mentioned before, I think it’s just stalling, waiting on her to stop asking.  I can count on one hand the days that Kayla has spent the night there.  The two days I was in the hospital having Kelsie.  One night when Kelsie was sick and had to stay in the hospital.  One night last year when Zack’s grandmother was visiting and all the grandkids spent the night, including Kelsie. 

Where is the just one night for Kayla for fun?  Where is just the one night with just my girls?  It doesn’t exist.  They crave a deeper relationship with their Nana, I can see it.  Kelsie is so excited when Nana comes over.  She wants her to spend the night with us.  She even gets annoyed when she brings her dog because she doesn’t want that distraction from her Nana.  She even cried one day when we had mentioned we may go out to her house and then ended up not going.  She cried wanting to see her Nana.  Kayla of course wants a relationship, always asking about spending the night there.  Kayla gets excited when Nana comes over as well.  And making sure that she can ask her to stay for dinner.

I have vowed that since my kids have been shunned by grandparents that I’m going to be the best grandmother when it’s my time. If we live close enough, I’m going to keep my grandkids at least once a week {over night even} so that their parents can have time alone or even time just to clean house or go grocery shopping without kids.  I know how frustrating it is to do these things with kids.  I will keep them for weekends or even a week so that their parents can get time alone together to give them a mini vacation, if that’s what they want.  I want to do these things because I can see how important it is in a marriage to have time alone together…the time we don’t get.  And I won’t ask for them to ask me to watch them…I will offer

Zack and I don’t go out much at all.  As a matter of fact, we go out twice a year.  His Christmas party for work and our anniversary.  These two are given dates that we will ask for his mom to watch the girls.  We went out the other night for the first time since Christmas, it was so nice.  However when we got home something was mentioned, by me I think about us not ever doing anything alone…and she said “we never went anywhere without the kids.  grandma only watched them a couple of times.”  Was this directed towards our date?  Was this directed towards our needs to be alone together?  She also has mentioned before that she felt guilty leaving her kids…does that mean I should feel guilty twice a year?  No.  I don’t and won’t. 

I have mentioned many times to Zack about her never watching them and us never doing anything together…he said well he never asks.  However that is wrong.  I can go back to the beginning of this blog and find I know of at least two occasions that I even wrote about, her not watching them.  And I know that I’ve already mentioned her not letting Kayla spend the night.  So, I know it’s not because we don’t ask.  Good grandparents just offer it.  Right?


The imPerfect Housewife said...

Putting marriage first and kids second makes a good marriage and a good family. That's not a popular thought with many but it's very true. People that never want to be away from their kids are either insecure (as they feel the children are their only purpose) or they're control-driven and feel that they are the only ones who can "do it right". Not only are the kids missing out, the grandparents are too, only for them it's by choice which is sad. Just think how fortunate your grandkids will be to have you!! ♥

Kelli said...

Tough! Rondell's mom helps us a lot and sometimes wants to have my kids more than we want to let them go. But then there's my mom who will never have them spend the time (she's not really a kid person) but visits them all the time. Then there's Rondell's dad/step mom who my children barely know because they rarely ever call...and Caleb is named after his father! That is unfortunate that they are all missing out. You have wonderful girls and if we lived close they could come to my house for the weekend. Maybe next summer Kayla can get on a plane and visit us for a week...we'd love to have her (I don't know if you'd want to put Kelsie on a plane, but she could come too). I'm sending you (((hugs)))!

Jo said...

I was very fortunate to have grandparents - all 4 of them - until I was 18 and one set lived a distance but they took me for 2 weeks - one during Spring Break and the other during the summer - by myself. My other set lived in town and we stayed w them alot. My mother had no interest in taking any of the kids or even talking to them other than 2 times a yr and wondered why there is no undying love. My former MIL did take her grandchildren a lot. My FIL loved taking all the grandkids - for samples at Sam's He load them (5)on one of the lg carts and wheel them around He would also take them for a wk camping. I plan and look forward to be very hands on!

Kay said...

I'm so glad y'all are coming next week. We love those girls and tho we aren't grandparents, there is a very special love we feel. I wish so much that y'all lived closer. I know it would be different and the girls could be with us much more. I spent at least 30% of my life at my precious Grandma and Granddaddy Mitchell's house until I was around 13 yrs old. So many warm, fuzzy memories. But in Kayla and Kelsie's situation, you'll just have to do the best you can. Her existing grandparents are certainly missing out on some really fun and memorable years. I hope they remember coming to Uncle Mike's and Aunt Kay's house and have warm fuzzies when they are older and are taking a trip down memory lane:)

Anonymous said...

Girl I understand. I told my parents once they are grandparents they should spend time and they have slowly gotten around to when and if that will happen. Ryan's parents I know would be there for the kids we plan to have. I only ever had one set of grandparents (my father's) and they always helped my parent's out by spending and taking care of me. I am glad I got to see them and spend time with them. Its a shame that your father is like this. But I had the same situation with my brother and sister when my dad divorced their mom and married the other woman. Pretty much he hardly sees them. My sister honestly I dunno her feelings about our father but, my brother looks up to him but, he just turned 16. Pretty much when it happens to me I will be hands on. Ryan had all 4 of his grandparents and still does. He and I learned a lot by spending time with them. Its sad that they are taking that time to be selfish and your girls are wonderful and adorable. Plus you ever near auburn you can see me lol until we move back to b'ham!

A-K said...

Yes, the parents must be happy for the kids to be happy! You will be better girl, I just know it. It is a tough time - I can only IMAGINE! Keep your chin up though and take one day at a time. Just make sure you take care of yourself...otherwise who will take care of the little chickies? :) Plus they are getting older too so maybe that can free up some time for you and Zack to find the two of you again. It will be a nice breath of fresh air!

Anonymous said...

Girl it is the same way in my family. My son begs to go to Nanny and Papa's but they always put him off and instead of letting him call and tell him "not tonight" I end up being the bad guy and just not letting him call anymore. It is just heart breaking and awful I have the same vow to be the best Grandma ever! My Granmother was wonderful. She would keep us every night if we wanted. I would just like my parents to come and ask to take my kids for an hour or two once a month just so the kids can know them. It sucks b/c my parents live two streets away!