Thursday, September 10, 2009

God, I am Listening!

If you have followed this blog for a while then you  know that I am a struggling Christian.  I love God with all my heart, but I fight with so many things that I shouldn’t. 
This morning I woke up and it was what you would call “on the wrong side of the bed” for sure.  I woke up a complete grump!  If I were allowed a do over day, today would have been it.
My grumpiness: (no particular order and it may not even make any sense)
Kelsie has been sick since Friday (she came home from school early that day).  Tuesday she was still coughing, yesterday she just didn’t want to go and yeah she was still coughing.  I had made the decision last night that I wasn’t sending her  this morning because she didn’t go to sleep until after 10pm. 
Zack woke me up late this morning and I needed to wash Kayla’s hair for her…and fix it which takes time!  (time of which I spent sleeping because Zack didn’t get me up)
I got up, grumpy, cussing, yelling, slamming things around, throwing things….I told you it was bad. 
Needless to say, at 7:25 I decided that Kelsie was going to go to school since she was awake anyways.  So then I had to get myself fixed half way decent and fix her hair, brush her teeth and make sure she ate something. (that reminds me I didn’t make Kayla brush her teeth this morning!)  I think taking her to school was very selfish on my own part and I feel completely terrible.  I wanted these 3 hours…I needed these 3 hours.  I had a design I needed to get uploaded and I just needed some quiet and peace.
I took Kelsie to school and she cried and cried, clinging to me.  I let the teacher take her and I left.  I hang my head in selfish shame.
So where do I go from here?  What happened?  I uploaded that blog design and while doing so, I started kinda scanning over the blog.  I only read a handful of the blogs that I actually design, and the ones that I do read happen to be about decorating.  This one is not about decorating.  This to me is a Faith blog, a Godly blog.  A blog that was put in my path because I need to read it. 
I started really reading it, going back and reading past posts, commenting…Feeling tears, feeling the struggle with myself.  I can feel the enemy telling me that I am fine, that I didn’t need to read this, that I can handle things and do things on my own.  But I can’t.  I need to read this, I need to pray again, I need to be the Christian that I should be and not the one that I have become.
I know that I have written about my struggles before, but this time…Things have gotten way out of hand.  I am lost, I am headed down a path that I need to find a way out of.  I believe that it’s this blog that is going to help me.  Because God knows that I can’t do it by myself.
The blog that I am referring to is A Life in Need of Change.  I encourage y’all to go over and read it.  Brookes writing is wonderful and her words of encouragement, her scriptures…everything….it’s what I needed. 


Kelli said...

Just so you know we are all stuggling Christians and will always fall short, so don't let Satan get you down because of that. Listen to the Holy Spirit that is telling you to strive to make a change and you know what, that makes God smile...that we are striving to be like Him. So glad you came across that blog and that God let it speak to you. Prayer, lots of prayer and I will be praying for you as well my friend.

Tammy Tant said...

Awwwe, I'm sorry you are having a hard day. We all have them from time to time. Take some time to pray and meditate. God Bless !

Elise said...

I see so much of myself in you, Joanna. Its kind of sad, really. I started doing a bible study and we are doing James. Its a wonderful book. He talks about asking God for wisdom and having faith that God will give you wisdom. Its really great. I do hope and KNOW that God will bring you out of your valley. Maybe go to bed a little earlier if you can tonight. I found that I am at my most foul tempered when I am sleep deprived.

Tiffany said...

Christian is synonymous with struggles, girl! There are no perfect people, even Christians. We are called to "take up our cross daily" - some days it's the same cross as always, some days we have a few extra to carry. But the great thing is that at the end of the day God still loves us and there is nothing we can do to change that! That's what Grace is all about! Don't forget it!

Susie from Bienvenue said...

Warm fuzzy {{hugs}} sista! Im glad that you found peace today through her blog. We all have bad days and sometimes just need a little bit of His word to get us through. Hang in there~

Lisa said...

You are not alone, I struggle just as much too. Used to not a long time ago but now I do. It stinks, it's hard, but it's also life and what we learn from. I do also believe (like you said) that things happen for a reason and that your stumbling onto that blog was purposeful. I'm going to go check it out.
Hope you feel better!

Heatherlyn said...

Life is hard. Changing our personalities and the way we respond to life is hard. It's comforting to know that Jesus Christ will never ever ever abandon us and that He even works with the desires of our hearts to change and become better. Over time, if you don't give up, you'll become more of the person you want to be. But you don't sound like a bad person. Just a person who needs some sleep!

Kristin said...

Oh, Joanna. I know EXACTLY how you're struggling. This sounds like my life to the "T" right now - the anger, frustration, etc. It all came to a head over the last few days after Buddha died.

It's hard to realize the changes that need to be made, and even harder to make those changes. I'm glad you've found a source of inspiration and support.

Kristen T said...

I am new to the blog world and have been following your great blog. I just wanted to send some encouragement as a fellow believer who also struggles day to day to live a life that glorifies God. This summer I did a women's Bible study. The title was Frazzled Female. It was great and had great scriptures and ideas for managing our crazy, busy and hectic lifestyles while seeking to glorify and grow closer to Jesus at the same time! I will pray that you would continue to "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not own your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3: 5-6.