Friday, October 24, 2008

From Mourning a Loss to Trying to Mend My Heart

I am at a loss for words, this was the start of the letter to my daddy.  Because it’s all I could start with.  I couldn’t believe that I was in the situation that I had been put in. 
One week ago today we were on our way up to Alabama to be with my daddy and family because my mother had passed away during the early am hours.  I cried off and on on the way up, mourning and grieving this loss.  I thought that the world had come to a halt and that things would never heal. 
Boy was I thrown for a loop.  Over the past week or so, starting with the trip up to Bama the weekend before last to visit with my family and go to the pumpkin patch, on that Sunday evening before my mother went to the hospital, a comment that my daddy had made to my niece had struck a nerve with me.  Wondering what it could have meant.  (I will not be going into details about comments and such here, my heart can’t take it)  Then comments were made to Zack and I in the car and then on the phone last night.  My sister n law and I along with Zack had sat in my daddy’s kitchen on Monday night discussing this issue that I thought had come up.  Wondering what these things meant, wanting somebody else’s opinion hoping that it was really nothing.  Zack just saying that it’s nothing that my daddy like he is a man and men say things.  But these things that were being said (nothing vulgar, I might add) were very unlike what daddy would normally say.  As a matter of fact sex or referring to it was nothing that was spoke out loud at my house as I was growing up or even after I was grown.
So, after much discussion that night, this last comment made to me last night, I called my sister n law because we had decided to sorta keep up with what the comments were and about.  I told her and we ended up discussing things until after 11pm. 
I headed for the shower and as I was taking a shower I had this nagging burning at me to get personal and check email.  I got out and the feeling just got stronger and stronger.  Some of you may agree or disagree about whether my checking my fathers email was a complete invasion of his privacy or with the comments that he had made we were just making sure that everything was ok. 
Upon the 3rd try of the password, I got in.  It was GOD, I say, as I said some of you may think other wise.  My growing suspicions had been proven right with the person that I thought.  Ya’ll I am living in an episode of a soap opera.  My heart is torn apart, I am no longer able to mourn the loss of my mother but now I am trying to grieve what is going on in my fathers life. 
My daddy is having a very inappropriate relationship with the very woman from his church that helped my mother and him so much with getting the care that she needed with the Myasthenia Gravis.  This woman as far as I am concerned is a homewrecking whore! (thank you Sherri for that comment)  These emails that I found were far from innocent, love being declared, visits taking place.  I cried, shook, ranted and raved.  Upon reading the first email that happened to be from my daddy to this “other woman” I couldn’t get through it, I was physically sick.  With all my emotions, I called my sister n law after midnight and we were on the phone until 3 am this morning.  I needed someone to talk to, anybody.  Zack wasn’t there for me.  He was mad because I snooped in daddy’s email!  (which do not leave a comment if that is the way you feel)
I understand that daddy is a grown man and can do as he pleases, but for 1.  My mother was buried on Monday 2.  Things were starting to take place BEFORE my mother passed 3.  No time has passed (same as 1, I know)
I wrote him a heart wrenching letter asking him to stop and begging him to pray to the Lord for help.  I have been praying as well. 
I don’t really want my business all out there, but dang it, I feel like I need opinions.  I need to hear that this is wrong what he has and is doing.  I can’t justify it no matter what.  He is a huge church goer, why didn’t he speak to the preacher and get some help.  They are good friends.  Why did he run to this “woman”??
Like I said in the beginning, I am at a loss for words…..


Darlene said...

Oh Joanna,
I am at a loss for words to you over your grief and your father's behaviour during this difficult time. I don't even know what to tell you and all I can offer you is hugs and prayers during this turmoil.

Kay said...

Loss for words here as well. Just pray for us tonight baby. I have no idea if he will come to watch the game or not. I know one NOT welcome! Just better keep her skank ass away right now...maybe forever. I feel like your brother may have a little talkie talkie if the chance comes up. We love Jim so much and there's just a lot of disappointment and shock. I plan on being very gentle and kind though...Like Joey said, the last thing we want is for him to get out of church. Very mixed emotions, as you well know. I love you, if you want to or message me.