Wednesday, August 8, 2012

It was Like Ripping a Scab off a Healed Wound

I had a heart wrenching dream on Sunday night.  A dream that I didn’t want to rehash again on Monday night, which made it very difficult to try and get to sleep.  It was literally like ripping a scab off of a healing wound.

I’ve always heard about the scarring that you receive from emotional wounds.  And I’ve always believed that one does heal and the scab falls off after you’ve had the time to process your hurt and it leaves behind a scar. 

But, if this is the case then when you have a dream like I did the other night it makes your think twice about a scar and think more or less that you’ll always only had a scab over your hurt. 

These past few weeks I’ve had a lot of thoughts about family on my mind.  I’ve missed my mother and Mammie {my mothers mother} more than I have in a very long time.  I’ve wondered what life would be like for the girls and us if they were still alive.   It would be drastically different, I am sure.  I know that all these thoughts were the reason behind my dream.

I broke down in tears and told Zack about my dream on Monday night.  He was telling me “it was just a dream”, but what he didn’t get was that the dream was almost real.  In part it did happen.  I don’t remember all details of the dream.  I just remember being there in the room {not a hospital room and not sure where we were} when Mammie passed.  I remember fumbling, crying, bawling, screaming and people came in, I went out, they revived her, and said that she was alive.  I went back into the same doorway I was outside of and it was a totally different room, and of course Mammie was no where to be found.  It seemed as if the people who revived her, they were gone too.  I was mortified.  It was as if the entire situation didn’t just happen. It was one of those early morning dreams, I woke up, Zack had probably just left for work, and then my alarm went off.  I was uneasy, in need of a hug, and heart broken. 

I went through all of Monday with a sad look and trying hard to hold back the tears.

So, about those scars they claim you receive from emotional wounds.  I don’t believe it.  I’m raw with emotion again.  That wound is fresh and bleeding.  It will scab over, yet again.  But, I know now that it won’t turn into a scar and there will always be a scab there and when the right moment happens, the scab will fall off again. :-/ 

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