Saturday, October 17, 2009

Heavy Heart

One year ago today my mother passed away.  I can’t imagine how quickly this year has went by.  Life has just flown right on by without a moments notice.  I have had my downs and ups, missing her.  There is not one day that goes by that I don’t think about her and our memories. 
I have even caught myself a few times wanting to call her and tell her exciting news or to just talk.  I then have to know in my heart that she already knows the news and is happy for us.  I talk to her quiet often in the darkness while lying in bed before going to sleep.  I have cried myself to sleep more often than not while talking to her and just telling her how bad I wished she were still here.  
Sometimes things happen and we just don’t understand why.  Why things happened to mother and why she got Myasthenia Gravis and Dementia.  Why this had to happen and she had to pass away.  I will never know.
The pain does seem to get better with time but I will always feel that hole in my heart where I need my mother.  Every girl needs their mother.  And I feel the older I get the more I actually need her.  Not to answer my questions about the birds and the bees, not to tell me that I am beautiful and not to worry about what the other girls at school are saying.  No I don’t need her for that, I need her for mom and daughter talks about her grandkids.  I need to find out what she did when I was growing up and did the crazy things that Kayla does.  I need her to tell me family recipes and cook her chicken and dressing for holidays.  I need her to tell me stories of when she was growing up and that one story about driving to Mammaw’s house that one summer and going a different way and seeing those kids on the front porch eating home made icecream.  I need a hug.  Just an embrace.  If I could just have a touch or feel again, I would be ok.  Just to turn back time and to know that I wasn’t going to have much time with her.  I would be nicer, I would tell her I love her more, I would have spent more time with her. 
I miss my momma.

11 comments:

Lindsay-ann said...

I lost my lovely Dad last year too so I can relate to how you are feeling especially today. I speak to him too in the darkness at night just like you described. I am thinking of you and sending a hug today.
Lindsay

Sherri said...

As your best friend,you know I know what all you've been through this year and you know I'm always here for you.Hey,if I answered the phone at 2 am one time,just for you to tell me about a fork/knife combo on QVC,you know you can call me anytime :). I know you won't be home today but I will call you tonight to check up on you.
Have as good a time out of the house today (as much as you can under the circumstances).We love you and I will talk to you later.xoxo

Kari said...

I'm so sorry for your loss - what a heartfelt post! You are right, I don't think a girl ever stops needing her Mother. Take care!

Beverly said...

Found your blog today. I am so sorry for your loss. Think of all the great times today and celebrate her life!

Becky said...

So sorry for your loss

the undomesticated wife said...

:( I'm sorry. I dread the day I go through this. ((hugs))

Nichole said...

Thinking of you.

One of my favorite quotes...

"Perhaps they
are not stars, but
rather openings in
heaven where the
love of our lost ones
pours through and
shines down upon
us to let us know
they are happy.”

~The Robin's Nest~ said...

Joanna,

This post really touched my heart today. I couldn't even imagine what you are going though. UGH.
It must be terribly hard on you.
I wanted to get in my truck and drive cross country to give you the biggest hug ever.

I will tell you one thing I do know. (I can say this because I am a mom to 5 kids ages 30 to 17)
I know this is true...Your mom is very proud of you. You are the daughter every mom would want. You cook and bake and you are true to yourself about your struggles of having a family. Anybody can tell you LOVE your children and to top it off, you are so smart and talented Joanna.
I'm sure there are things we don't see here in the blog world...But that would be true for all of us, nobody is perfect.

You bring so much joy to our lives here with your posts and your talent of making our blogs beautiful. (Lindsay and I LOOOOVE our blogs, I smile everytime I go to either of them.)

I will be praying for you this week, that the Lord wraps you in his arms and comforts you like no one else can.

Much Love,
Robin~♥

Lilith Silvermane said...

Hugs... I didn't realize it had been a year.

Sorry Joanna and with all the other BS you have to deal with I'm sure turning back time would help fix some of it.

She's lovin' you... there is no way you couldn't!

Wendy said...

(((HUGS))

I completely understand. Its been 5 years since my mom passed away and I can totally relate. It kills me that she never got to know my kids. Its definitely hard.

Amanda said...

I miss her very much too and think of her all the time! So many wonderful memories we had with her! My heart goes out to you..I love you girl!