Heavy Heart

One year ago today my mother passed away.  I can’t imagine how quickly this year has went by.  Life has just flown right on by without a moments notice.  I have had my downs and ups, missing her.  There is not one day that goes by that I don’t think about her and our memories. 
I have even caught myself a few times wanting to call her and tell her exciting news or to just talk.  I then have to know in my heart that she already knows the news and is happy for us.  I talk to her quiet often in the darkness while lying in bed before going to sleep.  I have cried myself to sleep more often than not while talking to her and just telling her how bad I wished she were still here.  
Sometimes things happen and we just don’t understand why.  Why things happened to mother and why she got Myasthenia Gravis and Dementia.  Why this had to happen and she had to pass away.  I will never know.
The pain does seem to get better with time but I will always feel that hole in my heart where I need my mother.  Every girl needs their mother.  And I feel the older I get the more I actually need her.  Not to answer my questions about the birds and the bees, not to tell me that I am beautiful and not to worry about what the other girls at school are saying.  No I don’t need her for that, I need her for mom and daughter talks about her grandkids.  I need to find out what she did when I was growing up and did the crazy things that Kayla does.  I need her to tell me family recipes and cook her chicken and dressing for holidays.  I need her to tell me stories of when she was growing up and that one story about driving to Mammaw’s house that one summer and going a different way and seeing those kids on the front porch eating home made icecream.  I need a hug.  Just an embrace.  If I could just have a touch or feel again, I would be ok.  Just to turn back time and to know that I wasn’t going to have much time with her.  I would be nicer, I would tell her I love her more, I would have spent more time with her. 
I miss my momma.