Thursday, April 16, 2009

Feeling So Alone

Have you ever had the feeling once a particular family member passes you’ll pretty much never see a certain family member again.  I am not talking about the person that passes away, I am speaking about an actual living breathing family member.
Does that make sense?  Let me sorta put that in to perspective for you.  My grandmother (dad’s mother) was the reason we got together once, maybe twice a year with my uncles, aunts and cousins. (dad’s side of the family)  They never just came to visit although before we moved here we would make it a point to try and stop either on the way down or on the way back home to visit them.  We moved here and they have only been to our house maybe twice and that was once for a funeral for my grandmother and the other time was for a birthday get together.  My cousin and her daughter did come down last year for 4th of July and stay with us, but I was shocked.  We had fun and I told her she should come back.  I haven’t heard from her.  (doesn’t surprise me)
So, I can pretty much mark them off my family list, because for one I don’t know them and two we have nothing in common except for blood.  Three, they have never been there when I needed somebody.
I have a half sister and half brother from my dad’s first marriage, but I have never known them.  There is some twisted story about the relationship with my dad and them and so they were jealous of me (I am assuming) and never came around except for those celebrations with my grandmother.  The only time I see her and her husband is when we got out to eat at a certain beach restaurant.  (this is because they work there)  She always comes over to me, because I never have made it a point to hunt her down.  She will always act like we are best friends and see each other all the time.   Why is that?  Even after my grandmothers funeral and she was at our house, she said over and over about getting to know her nieces and me better.  (they live about 20 minutes from here, close to my MIL)  Never heard a word from her.  I don’t even know if she knows about my mother passing away.
My mother didn’t have a big family.  No brothers or sisters.  She had one son from her first marriage.   When we lived in Birmingham, we would visit my grandmother every weekend which is the same area my brother, sil, niece and nephew live.  I would stay at their house with them considering my niece is only 2 years younger than me.  We grew up more like cousins then aunt and niece.  We continued seeing lot’s of them even after we moved to Florida.  They would come down here at least once a month to head to the beach.   They have only been here once as a family since then.  We moved here 10 years ago.  They came a couple of years back.   We have slowly grown apart as well. 
It seems that family from both sides, you more or less have to visit them then they come to visit you.  Which it shouldn’t be that way.  It should be an equal thing. 
Now that my daddy has gone off and remarried not even 3 months after my mothers passing, I am not sure that I will see him again either.  I have my reasons but they pretty much remain with the fact that since my mothers death and his remarriage I can count on both my hands how many times I have talked to him.  I think that I have called him more then he has called me.  He is just not interested in us (me and his grandchildren).  I have tried patching up the relationship…I am giving up.  He turned his back on his children from his first marriage and so since my mother was his 2nd wife, I guess he’s turning his back on me now as well.  I feel as though I have lost two parents instead of one.
I told Zack the other day with tears in my eyes that he and the girls were all I had.  And it’s true.  If my marriage fails (which I don’t think it will, we are happily married), I don’t have anybody that I can turn to for anything.  Advice, help, nothing.  It’s sad to think about it that way.  
I only have one best friend and she lives 5 hours away.  We talk on the phone almost daily, and it’s nice to know that I have somebody to tell my problems and feelings too, but sometimes I wished that I could call up my mother and complain about something.  Or even my daddy.  After mother got to where she couldn’t talk anymore, daddy and I would talk every night at 9pm (like clock work).  He would rush home (literally) from where he was at and call me so I wouldn’t be worried.  He even borrowed the neighbors cell phone once to let me know that the phones were out.  I just don’t know what happened.
I was an only child between my mother and daddy.  I vowed to have at least 2 children.  I didn’t want them to grow up completely alone.  Now that I have two…now that I have seen what is happening with the family, I want to have more.  At least one more.  I want a big family of our own.  I want to experience a family that I haven’t had the chance to yet experience.  


Wendy said...

Oh, I am so sorry. I know how you are feeling though. My dad My mom was my dad's 3rd wife, he has 3 children from one of the first two. They are old enough to be my parents (my dad is 71, I'm 26). I only see one occasionally (he lives in Longwood) but I havent seen the other two in years. I never had much of a relationship with my dad, and when they divorced (I was in middle school) it didnt bother me at all. I havent seen him since I was 17, although we do email a little. He has never seen my children except in photos. Emails are brief.. how's the weather, how is grandma? He had the nerve to tell me he didnt like my new DD's name (Morgan) and what we were thinking naming her that...

My mom passed away 5 years ago and I am pretty much alone now. I moved 2 hours away from home (from Ocala to Lakeland) to be with my now husband. So if we split up, it's just me and the kids. The only aunt I really talk to at all is in Virginia.

And to top it all off, I am adopted, so I really dont have any true family. We planned for two kids and now have 3. I'm glad we do, it's nice to finally have blood relatives, even if they look like their dad!

Sorry that was so long... I just wanted to let you know I know how you feel. ((HUGS))

Kelli said...

I am sorry to hear this. I understand why you would feel the way you do, it has to be hard. I think we have certain expectations of family and too often they are not met and should be. That is strange about your dad calling all the time and then not, like he can only concentrate on one thing (person) at a time. Good to know that you are happily married and have two (beautiful) girls who I'm sure adore you! Make them your center and high priority.

Rhoda @ Southern Hospitality said...

Hi, Joanna, my hubby deasl with a lot of issues with family things too. I feel for you.

thanks for coming by & leaving your comment in a respectful way. It got really out of hand & I stopped the comments. I'll be glad when today is over & I can move on from this one.

the undomesticated wife said...

That's terrible! I'm sorry! Though I do know what you mean. Even with family, sometimes you feel so alone. :(

Maggie said...

I've never been to your blog before but just happened by and read your post. I feel for you in this lonely situation. What has helped me--we have moved a lot--is finding a church "family." I pray that you'll make new connections. Sometimes the strongest ones aren't blood.

Amanda said...

Aww honey I know you are going through a lot right now, and the last few years has been really trying for you. I think that family should be tight nit, immediate family of course as well as extended. Unfortunatly, its not like that for me either. My gosh, a lot of my family lives far enough for me to throw a rock at, and I've probably only seen them a handful of times over the last year.

I do want you to know that I am here for you if you EVER need anything. Don't u forget that either! Of course, I would perfer us be close enough to visit often :) But we are just a phone call away. Um, we both should be better about staying in touch {shame on us!}

Lisa said...

What I have found, is that you have to be the one to always make the effort to get people together or it will never happen. If you want to see people, call them, and invite them. If you wait for others, you will be waiting forever. I am old enough to be your mother, so I am speaking from a lot of experience. I would add that reason people act in the ways that they do, is people suck, but that wouldn't be very lady like.

That said, we just moved from PA to FL, and know no one. My best friend is over 800 miles away.

My father is remarried, and let's just say, things aren't perfect in that part of life. By having your own happy marriage, you are making a different life for your children. That is all anyone can do.