Sunday, March 1, 2009

A Part of My Heart is Missing

As some of you may know my mother passed away this past October.  It wasn’t a huge surprise, but then again it was.  She was only 66 years old, just shy of her 67th birthday.  She had what is called Myasthenia Gravis.  For those of you who do not know what this is, it’s a muscle disease that isn’t curable.  Once you have it you always will.  It’s not hereditary and the start of it is a mystery to the doctors.  I am not wanting to write about what she had and how she passed away.  I am writing this post because a part of my heart is missing.
My mother and I never really got along.  We always fought about something.  I mean there were great memories that I have from sharing with her, but mostly things that I remember are the arguments and such.  This hurts so bad because as much as we didn’t get along we were really close.
Mother never really liked any of my friends, she always had something to say about why I shouldn’t be friends with them.  Although she never really liked them, she put on a smile and was friendly regardless.  She never liked any of my boyfriends until we had broken up.  While we were together she would say…”you can do better then him”…”I don’t know what you see in him”…and so on.  Once we broke up it was a different story….”I don’t know why ya’ll broke up” and “he was such a great boy/guy”.  It was frustrating to say the least but that was just who mother was.  It was almost as if she was never happy. 
We lived in Alabama in my great grandmothers home.  She inherited this home after my great grandmother passed away.  I loved where we lived, it wasn’t anything fancy, but it was our home that I had made many memories in.  Mother on the other hand always longed to move to Florida.  (i still don’t know why)  She had lived there back when her and my daddy had met.  Then they moved to south Alabama once they were married and there they had me.
When I was 15 the opportunity presented itself to move to Panama City.  (where my dad was born and raised)  So, we moved.  I hated it, I didn’t want to move away from my home.  But being a child I didn’t have the choice.  My best friends mother (at the time) gave the option for me to live with them so that I could finish high school there, but my parents wouldn’t have it.
Once we were in Florida mother hated it, and wanted to move back to Alabama.  She just wasn’t happy.  This wasn’t something that could be done.  She had sold our home and we had know where to return too. 
After Zack and I met, my grandmother that still lived in Alabama needed to either go into a nursing home or she had to have somebody move in with her.  Because she wasn’t moving in with us.  I guess that’s what happens when you get elderly, your set in your ways, in your home.  So, right before Zack and I married my parents moved in with my grandmother.  Mother hated leaving Florida.  Although she had wanted to be back in Alabama. 
Mother was never really happy.  I see that now as an adult looking back at all of these wishes and dreams and changes. 
Mother didn’t like Zack from the beginning.    He never had done anything to not make her like him.  He took Kayla in has his own and treated us both like princesses.  That was just the way mother was.  After Kelsie was born, she still kept Kayla high on a pedestal because she had helped raise her.  (we had mainly lived with them)  When mother started getting sick, this is when her dislikes and unhappiness went away.  She loved Kelsie and treated both the girls equally.  She loved Zack and would tell him often.  She was proud of what I had done. 
This makes me so very sad.  I wished that her being sick hadn’t changed her out look on life.  Although a good thing, I wished that she would have just been happy with the way things were with the way things were presented in life.
Mother hadn’t been able to speak for a long time due to the MG.  I have to try so hard to remember what her voice sounded like.  I can hear some things, but not them all.  Like when she used to say my name..I remember that.  It brings a smile to my face to hear it in my mind. 
I have been dreaming of her here lately, pretty often.  In my dreams she isn’t sick yet, and for some reason, I know she’s only there for a “visit”.  I hope that these dreams continue, because all though they bring a tear to my eye, it patches part of my heart.


The Graves' House said...

it's hard to understand why certain people seem to never truly be happy. i hate that it sometimes takes a tragedy to get them there. i can tell from reading this post how much you love your mother. so glad you have some great memories to cherish.

Sandy Toes said...

I am so sorry for your great loss...may your memories be sweet and clear!
sandy toe

Lilith Silvermane said...

Joanna, thank you for sharing this with us.

I am sure you get to hear her voice in your dreams.. and one day, you'll hear it again.

Melinda said...

I know exactly how you're feeling. I lost my Mom on July 23 2007 from Ovarian cancer. She and I were very close, as a matter of fact she was my best friend, but she hated my husband, (of 30 years), she was critical of a lot of things, but I never doubted she loved me. I knew she was dying, but something inside of me always thought we'd pull it out and she'd be ok. Now almost two years later, the pain is getting tolerable. I think when we lose our Mothers, no matter our relationship with them, part of us feels like a little girl again. There's something about knowing your Mom is no longer around to take care of you. (even if you think you didn't need to be taken care of). I can't take her name out of my phone speed dial and , sometimes I just dial it to see it say dialing Mom.

Give yourself time, it will get better. Your relationship was what is was, but you know your Mom loved you, and she knew you loved her. That's all that matters. You're still in the extreme grieving stage, be patient with yourself.


My Beautiful Mess! said...

Just came to your blog tonight and feel as if you & I could sit down for a long chat. My parents were married for 51 years - my Mom got sick and passed away going on five years ago. My Dad got involved with a woman shortly after my Mom passed. It has been a very long & at times horrible experience...and still continues to be. I read about your Dad & I so feel your pain...literally.
I too miss my Mom and dream of her often. There is nothing in this world that can take her place that is for sure.
I guess we have to just hang in there - that's the advise that everyone gives me. I try to keep focused on other things - sometimes I'm good for awhile and other times not so much.
Thanks for sharing your story...I take comfort in knowing that I am not alone in this craziness!!