Saturday, December 18, 2010

Mother to Daughter

November 2010 179 copy

You see that cheesy grinning face up there?  Well, that cheesy grin can get ugly sometimes and talk like a teen instead of a tween and can annoy me so bad that I want to pull out not only my own hair but hers too.

We had a long talk the other night, one of which included a lot of tears between her and myself.  It started with a note that she wrote me, one of which was tear stained and hurtful.  She wasn’t being mean but what she was saying was breaking my heart because it was the way she felt.  We have been hard on her lately, well lately is an understatement.  Her attitude, back talking and sassy ways have escalated so much over the past couple of years, until it is starting to spiral out of control.  Zack and I argue so much about it that something had to start being done.

We do a lot of “grounding” around here.  We used to spank.  We used to spank a lot.  However, I think that each child is different when it comes to discipline.  Some will respond to a spanking, where others thrive better when privileges are taken away.  In all honesty, nothing is working for Kayla right now.  So we are approaching things differently. 

She has been grounded for about 2 weeks now from having any friends spend the night or vice versa because of a sneaky lie she told one Friday night in order to have a friend spend the night.  Then her “mouth” got her in trouble and she lost all privileges. No internet, phone calls, tv, friends over and vice versa and no school dance.  My mother n law thinks that she should go to the school dance because it’s a big deal for middle schoolers.  However, I feel that if she gets to go even though she’s been grounded and told she can’t go, then later when something big comes up and she’s grounded she’ll expect to go.  So, she’s not going. 

We are working on new things with her.  We are doing a lot of chores with her that she’s never been made to do before.  In order to watch tv for now, she has to work for it by folding a load of laundry for every 30 minutes she watches.  So far she’s watched an hour and a half over the past several days.  I am trying to think of some way to bring the internet back to her, but as far as chores go, I’m coming up with nothing.  

There are so many days that I cry because it’s so bad and then there are days that she crys because she is sick of being in trouble.  I’m not sure what the one thing is that will make it all better.  I don’t think there is anything, we keep getting told it’s going to get worse.  I don’t see how!  I think we’re at the worst.  I can only pray that things will get better. 

And our talk the other night, it really seemed to help her.  Maybe we’ll just have those talks every once in a while and things will all work out.  Sometimes you just gotta sit down and have a heart to heart with your daughter and cry it out!


Kelli said...

Parenting girls is SO hard.

The Little Blog about kids... said...

I have an 18 year old daughter. She wasn't mouthy, but we did have a rough time when she entered high school. For her, losing her cell phone was motivation enough. We found (the book) Parenting Teens with Love and Logic to be helpful - you're essentially giving the kids the responsibility and burden of their own punishment...sounds confusing - but it totally worked - .I have 3 other here I go again :) Hang in there...

A-K said...

Oh the age of attitude! It's such an awkward time in everyone's life. So much is are still a kid, but also growing up at the same time. You need different styles of parenting at this time, because reactions and the way a tween sees the world is changing. You are right, I think each child is different. But maybe, she needs that loving attention and also to where she feels comfortable talking to yall about the way she feels.

A lot of pressure and hurtful things are happening at school, you are learning new and scary things, not to mention the body is changing.

Being there for her will mean a lot, and sooner or later I think you will be able to find a style that works for her!

rmgales said...

I remember those days with my daughter. Each child is different, but continue to have the heart to heart talks with her. She's trying to figure out life, herself, peer pressure etc. etc. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. My daughter came to her senses when she turned 18 and went away to college. She graduated with honors and is happily married with a 3 year old. We became BFFs when she was in college. I wouldn't changed one moment of those hard times, it eventually brought us closer. Hang in there, and stop by Mother 2 Mother when you get a chance.

The Place 4 Moms said...

You are doing the same things that my mother did to me. In fact, you sound like my mother. :) I must say that now that I am 26 and a mother myself, I respect my mother so much more. We have an amazing relationship and I am glad that she was tough with me. She kept me from making a lot of mistakes and I am thankful for that. Some of the chores my mom made me do at that age was my own laundry, unloading/loading the dishwasher and some light cleaning around the house. I think that the grounding is the best way to go, also making her earn her privileges when shes grounded. The only thing I wish my mom would have done differently is warn me about punishment. For example if there is a school activity coming up, say If you misbehave you will not be going.